How the Father Loved Us!
Today’s text is perhaps one of the
most controversial passages in the Bible. Plus, we are at different stages in
life – single, married, separated, divorced, or widowed. How should we read
this controversial marriage passage and apply it to our lives? It can be
challenging. But if we take this passage and place it in a larger context, it
can give us a fresh look at what this passage really says and doesn’t say. And
as a result, we can apply the text to our own circumstances.
The larger context is something like this: God created Adam and Eve out of love. They enjoyed perfect relationships with God and with each other. But when they had disobeyed God, sin entered. Since then, all our relationships were broken – with God and with others. But God is faithful. Even before he made the world God chose us and decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. He first loved us while we were still sinners and dead in our sins. Not only that, he made us alive together with Christ. He restored our broken relationships – with him and with others. He redeemed our relationships with our spouses, our parents, our children, our bosses, our employees. We are forgiven, accepted, reconciled. As the beloved children of God, now we have a job to do – love one another. The Bible says, “This is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, if this is the way God loved us, we must also love one another” (1 John 4:10-11 ISV). We ought to love one another. But where do we start? Our family – our spouse, our parents, our children. In this larger context, Paul exhorts us to love the person right next to us.
Biblical Headship
To many of us, the person right
next to us would be our spouse. Let me start with husbands. Paul says,
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up
for her” (v. 25). God appointed husbands to be the head of the family, the head
of the wife (v. 23). It’s called “headship.” But what does it mean to be the
head? Our Lord Jesus Christ himself defines the meaning of “biblical headship”
this way:
But among you it will be different.
Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants
to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not
to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many (Matt
20:26-28, NLT).
So Jesus tells us what headship is
and what it isn’t. Headship is not about bossing the wife around. It is not a
right to command and control. Headship is a responsibility to love like Christ.
It’s servant-leadership. In practical terms, headship is mainly about serving
“first” – apologizing first, even if you think it’s her fault, forgiving first,
dying for the wife first. That’s headship. About three years ago Joyce and I
attended a marriage conference. That was perfect timing because around that
time we found ourselves more easily getting into argument. I thought my wife
was a problem. I thought I was doing my part. But during the seminar, the Holy
Spirit convicted me of my “50/50 mindset.” My love for Joyce did not reflect
Christ’s. It was so conditional. I thought if Joyce did her part (50%), then I
would do my part (50%). If Joyce did laundry, I would then do wash dishes,
something like that. If she didn’t, I was frustrated and angry. But the Spirit
said to me, “No, you do 100%. You love her first.
You lay down your life for her first.
Be the servant leader of your family.” That’s headship.
Biblical headship is also life-giving and empowering as well as serving first. Jesus died for his church, so that she would be made holy, splendid, thriving (vv. 26-27). If the wife isn’t flourishing, it may be the husband’s problem. If the wife is angry all the time, depressed all the time, or sells herself short all the time, the husband is primarily responsible. Jesus is going to talk to the husband first about this problem and then her. Recently, I shared how Jesus liberated Joyce and me from my selfishness as I was doing my genogram. Deep in my heart I always thought the wife is my “helper” – the person who assists me to thrive and realize my dream. But I never thought that I, the husband, am the one who ought to empower the wife to be splendid and flourishing. The Holy Spirit showed me how I was limiting my wife out of my selfish ambition. Jesus died for his church that she would be splendid. Biblical headship is the husband’s primary responsibility for Christ-like servant leadership.
Biblical Submission
Now wives. Paul says, “Wives, be
subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord” (v. 22). The word submission
has a negative connotation to many of us. So it needs clarification – what
biblical submission is and what it isn’t. Submission does not mean putting the
husband in the place of Christ. Verse 21 clearly says that we ought to submit
to one another out of reverence for
Christ. Submission does not mean surrendering thought. It does not mean the
wife has no input on decisions or no influence on her husband. Submission does
mean to respect (v. 33) and affirm the husband’s leadership and support his initiatives. It means, “I’m
right with you. I’m linking arms with you. I am on your side. Lead on. I affirm
your leadership and will help carry it through according to my gifts.” That’s submission.
In this respect, for me personally, I truly appreciate Joyce. There are times when I fail to bring my children up with the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Instead, I tend to react emotionally and scold them too harshly. When I do that, Joyce doesn’t take sides with the children and make me feel shameful. She calms the situation down by asking the children to say, “I’m sorry” about what they did wrong. Then, later on, when she is alone with me, she asks for further clarification and invites me to think about what I would have done differently. That way I feel still supported and respected.
The Most Loving Thing
We are all sinners. The husband is
a sinner. The wife is a sinner. So actually, it’s impossible that the
husband should love his wife as Christ did, and that the wife should submit herself to
her husband as to the Lord. They both are sinful, selfish human beings, and
that makes things very complicated. There is no easy answer. We need godly wisdom as we practice biblical
headship and submission, love and respect, in our unique circumstances.
Speaking of godly wisdom, I think we can learn a lot from Martin Luther’s wise advice on “Whether One May Flee from a Deadly Plague.” In 1527 the bubonic plague was spreading across Europe, and Elector John (Luther’s sovereign) ordered Luther to leave in order to save his life. Instead, Luther remained and stayed to minister to the sick and dying. He eventually turned his own home into a field hospital. He was asked by many whether Christians should flee or stay. In his open letter Luther responds that both can be right. First, “to flee from death … is a natural tendency, implanted by God and not forbidden… Appropriate it is therefore to seek to preserve life and avoid death if this can be done without harm to our neighbor.” Luther argues that to risk your own life needlessly, just to supposedly demonstrate your freedom from fear, is proud and reckless. On the other hand, if Christians find themselves in situations where their retreat from the plague would leave anyone else defenseless to it, for the same reason (the infinite value of human life) they should stay. “Christ does not want his weak ones to be abandoned [by the strong].” If the sick in your home, neighborhood, or town would not get sufficient care because of your withdrawal then you should not go. In particular, Luther argued that ministers, mayors, judges, “and the like” must stay and “remain steadfast before the peril of death.” Luther concludes that it may be right to flee the plague and it may be wrong to flee, and that therefore all people should assess their situation wisely and ask the important question: What is the most loving thing for me to do in my circumstances?[1]
Before we leave this room, I want to invite us to ask ourselves the same question: As a husband, as a wife, as a parent, as a grandparent, as a pastor, as a teacher, as a farmer, as a Christian, what is the most loving thing for me to do in my circumstances? What is the most Christ-honoring, other-serving thing for me to do in my circumstances? May the Lord give us a sense of clarity and wisdom to know his will in our unique situations, and may the Lord give us strength to do it. Amen.
[1]
Keller,
Timothy Keller, Hope in Times of Fear (p.
19). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
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